Sept. 29, 2010: Thoughts of an Angel

Sept. 29, 2010
Two years since mom died.  For those who have lost mothers, you know what it means.
For those who have yet to lose her, you will know one day.  It must be the DNA.
It gets better with time, but never leaves you.
You are never old enough to not need mom.
Some days you wake up with tears in your eyes.
At least it is no longer every day.
I love her and miss her. Every day.
This year I took the day off of work and did lots of things around the house.
I worked hard, because I didn't want to think.
I felt her around me all day.  I sometimes feel her hold me.
Am I crazy, or am I special?
Neither.  I have imagination, but I can also feel things that many people don't.
When you talked to someone every day for 10 years, and then they are gone, you tend to miss those conversations.  I love to tell her about all the critter encounters, I point out interesting things when I'm walking through the woods.  I tell her I miss her, I love her, I wish she was here -- but I could never ask anyone to go through what she went through even once, much less again.
I feel selfish.  I feel cheated.  I know she is happy wherever she goes.
I cry when I hear the stories of women with breast cancer.
I thank the universe when it is caught early.
I wish that Breast Cancer Awareness Month did not follow My Mother was in the Hospital Month.
And I wish that My Mother did not have Breast Cancer.
I wanted to grow old with her.  I wanted to tell her.  So many wishes and wants and tears and thoughts....
And through it all there have been so many who have listened, shared, hugged, cried, laughed, and held me.
I am Blessed by You All.
Though Blessings come when you need them, not when you want them.
I love you, Mom.